come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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