all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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