Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
