and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
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