I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
