The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
