Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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