i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
