Your face is a jimmy john
Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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