Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
is this the sara with the beer cane?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
