It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
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