He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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