Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
