Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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