This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Where is the hickey?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
