I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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