Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
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