so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Randomize
