a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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