He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
