Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
