why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
