Sry I called you an 8
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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