My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
