Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Randomize
