Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Randomize
