my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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