I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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