So drunk its hurt
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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