Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
