I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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