I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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