I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
