i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
