do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Randomize
