they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Are my feet made of real feet?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
