mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I deserve this hangover.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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