A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Sext me about skeletons
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
