im six kinds of drunk right now
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
