I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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