your parents love me but you hate me
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
