Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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