When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
