i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
