The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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