I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
