Do you think there are girls out there that really do like small penis?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
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