i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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