I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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