OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
