I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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