the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Randomize
