Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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