it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
